So, I was sitting in the gym at the church waiting for my number to be called to give blood and I was talking with Laurie. Besides the summer I didn't really know her. Sure I knew of her, but I got to work with her this summer....she's a cool person. Anyways, we were sitting there talking and she told me she enjoyed my blog. To which I thanked her for her kind words and mentioned how my summer has been so up and down. It really has been. After I said it, I couldn't stop thinking about how UP and DOWN it has been. This summer has been nothing like I have ever expected. I would have to say I'm not entirely sure what my expectation was in regards to this summer.
At the end of the school year I was more exhausted than I have ever been. I had a really rough year. It was one of my worst, I think, but in a different way. I have always struggled with relationships with guys. Struggled in the sense that I am not so bright and pick some real winners. I have made some mistakes in not listening to my family's advice and everything. Many of those relationships I wish would have never happened, but then again, I wouldn't be the same person I am now if things were different for me. We all have a story to tell....I will tell that one some other time.
Back to this past year, I have been hesitant in saying anything about it on here, even though in my heart, I have been exploding. It was one of the hardest years of my life. Even thinking about it months away from it, brings about a certain emotion. I am not mad about all the crap that took place. I am not even upset about it. I learned so much. I grew so much. God stretched me in ways that I never knew I needed stretching. I dealt with girls who did not like me, girls who did not want me around, and issues that were wayyyyy beyond my control. All of those things make for the perfect storm of plain exhaustion. I am not meaning to throw myself any sort of pity party by any means, but what I am saying is after dealing with it all year long. I was very tired.
My expectations for the summer then were to relax and get away from the drama, stress, and hurt. One of those things I got away from -- the hurt. My feelings were hurt by the things that were said and done (something I never like to admit...call it pride), but there is nothing that will change the past. Forgive and forget. There is a verse in the Bible (I think it's in Romans) that talks about.... as far as it depends on you live peaceably with all. This much is true. My end is sealed. I reconciled with God and cut myself from the relationships that were not good for me or them. Anyways, my expectations for the summer was drama free and stress free.
I wish that this was the case. This is not. I am worn out and tired. (The tired thing might have to do with the fact that I just gave blood and got dehydrated yesterday...haha oh well) But my life this summer has been challenging. It is really has been so up and down...it's been outta control. I keep trying to trust the Lord and live like the only person that matters is Him. Some days is just harder than others. I have been faced with different things that I never wanted to deal with. Things that have come to my attention. There have been future life defining moments. For instance, I don't want to settle. I don't want to settle and live like the only thing out there is to get married and have kids. I know that alot of people don't live like that, but I have seen that before. I have been faced with the prospect of living alone for a while, in God only knows where. I don't know where I want to live (just not here in IN). Another for instance....I don't want to be fake. I don't want to go about my Christian life and pretend to have it all together. I don't. I want to be one of those people that are a good witness for Christ in a real way. I want other people to see Christ in me, yes, but I don't want them to see me. I want them to look at my life and realize that yes, I screw up alot, but there is hope for me. There is hope because there is a God in heaven that loves me and is gracious to me.
I feel like I am all over the place and all my thoughts have not come out. ya know how there are just somethings that you wanna scream at the top of your lungs?! well, that's exactly how I feel! I am not sure how to finish all this up or even if there is a conclusion to it all. So with this being the case, I will leave it with a ................
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