I didn't dream.

6 FLAGS! so fun! let's just start with that. Today, I went to 6 flags with one of my best friends, Katie, and Christie. We had so much fun! We rode "Raging bull" like 4 times....we went to the front of the line a few times and it was so much fun! I just had a blast from the drive there (almost peed myself cuz I had to go to the bathroom so bad) to the ride home. So great! I am really going to miss Katie a whole lot when I go back to school on Friday. Honestly, I thought that this summer (like I have mentioned before) was going to be completely different. I am so glad that it turned out the way the way that they "weren't supposed" to.

My friendship with Katie did not start out a friendship at all. We weren't friends for a long time, and now I consider her one of my best friends. We have had many ups and downs, but honestly, there were many times when I don't know what I would have done without her. This summer is our last summer that we will both be undergrads. So sad. As we said goodbye again for the summer.....it was sad. nothing is going to be the same. everything will change from her  on out. As I started thinking about this....something else came to mind.

dreaming. I'm not talking about like dreaming when you are asleep, but dreaming about the future. I have not been one for the whole dreaming about the future thing. I mean, I guess I dream about several things, but some things I just don't dare to dream about. Things that are in my heart that I want so bad, but I fear about dreaming about them.

I think that's a problem. As I let my mind wonder on that a bit, I thought to myself, wow that's not good. Do I not trust that my dreams will come true? do I not believe that my innocent hopes will one day come to fruition? The dreams we are talking about here aren't like evil things they are just things that I want one day. they in and of themselves are not wrong, but they are things that I am scared if I dream about them that my dreams will not come true? As if God couldn't fulfill my dreams plus more. What small minded thinking? How can I say that I trust God when I am too scared to dream and tell God about my dreams. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. Every time I think I have figured something out, there is always something more. And I am glad that there is something more.....it would be a shame to serve a God that is limited in any area. Thank God my God is big with big plans and bigger dreams than even the ones I don't dare to mention.

I hope that all made sense....I will not be proof reading this before I post it! :) Summer is ending....off to school on Friday! mixed feelings but excited to see where God has me this year! :)

Most wanted

About 4 year ago, I dated this guy for like a month. He was a rebound, needless to say things ended really ugly. Some of you, reading this might know who I'm talking about, either way it's important that you know that one night after we broke up we talked. More like I yelled at him. Shamefully, yes I was angry and I wanted him to know about how hurt I was. I thought that after I yelled at him and he walked away with his tail tucked between his legs that I would somehow feel better. This was simply not the case. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember where we were, what time of the year it was, how cold I was standing outside. I remember alot from that night. I remember him walking away from me, and knowing that it made no impact on his life whatsoever that I was angry. I don't even think he ever apologized.

Now I say all that to say, that I have been presented this summer with an opportunity. I have been frustrated and had the perfect opportunity to give a person a piece of my mind. I have thought about everything I could say and how exactly I could get my point across. I was given the perfect opportunity to give that person a piece of my mind, and I couldn't muster anything. I wanted nothing more than to say everything that was on my mind and let them know how I felt, how they made me feel all this time, but nothing came. I felt powerless.

Even as I drove away for what will be my last opportunity to speak my mind, I couldn't even get mad. I drove away knowing that I didn't give them a piece of my mind and I couldn't be mad about it anymore. I have to let go. There are alot of things in life that are like that. You just have to let go. Today, I have let go. I have let go of things that are a constant bother to me here at home, and I have let go of the rough school year. I have to. It's time to move on and live life. It's time to just be free in God's love

I was talking to Jesus last night and I told him that I wouldn't trade my summer for anything. It has been hard but at the same time, I have found a love that will never let me go. I have finally understood a small fraction of God's love for me and how much more I can trust his love and that he will make my path straight if I keep following him. God is good all the time. Good for shutting my mouth so I couldn't give anyone a piece of my mind, good for allowing me to struggle, and good for being just and loving.

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata....
"it means no worries for the rest of your days. it's our problem free philosophy -- Hakuna Matata." Lion King what a classic movie. I love all the old Disney movies. I mean granted I have not watched all of them. I mean, most of them I have though. Lion King was not my favorite (Aladdin is totally where it's at), but Lion King is clearly a classic. What brings this phrase to mind, you might ask yourself....well let me tell you.

We live in a society that is consumed with things and the fast paced life, success and fame. Where you are going, who you know, who you are is defined by society and what they think of you. It is the pressure of it that causes most people to crack. Even in college, it's about deadlines. This paper is due on this date, a speech here and a test there. It gets to be alot. You have to keep up with all the demands of school and a social life. You go through life and miss the little things like the crisp air on your face on a fall morning, the smell of rain, the brilliance of the rainbow after the storm, the faithful friendships that will last a life time. We miss alot. One thing that I have been reminded of as of late is God's love, and the trust I can have in that love. I don't want to miss that, I don't want you to miss that.

I have already said how I'm reading Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning, and to be honest with you, as I flew home yesterday the book almost brought me to tears thinking about God's love for me. I have taken advantage of his love, ignored his caring outstretched arms, spit in his face with my ugly sin, AND yet, he stands with arms open wide. I don't deserve that. But that is the kind of love God is. Now, I don't want to discount the fact that not only is God love, but he is also just, righteous, and jealous. It has been difficult for me this summer and even as I am writing this I think about my day today, and I had a rough day. It was only rough because I am unsettled in where I am. And then I am convicted....how can I not trust in God's love in where he has me right now even in this moment?

I have fallen more in love with God this summer than ever before. I hesitate in even saying that as I wrote in my prayer journal that God became more and more real to me. I felt more in love with God than I have ever before. God has changed my life this summer. I am no longer angry about things that have happened in the past, I am not anxious about my future because I trust in God's love for me. That he will work out everything for my good and His glory.

I am just going to go ahead and be transparent for a few mins (not like i'm not already). But alot of young adults that are Christians worry about getting married. Christian colleges push the marriage issue and encourage young adults to date in college. Needless to say, my dating experience in college has not been a positive one. But I wanted to find someone. I did not want to be alone for the rest of my life. I have been in weddings and gone to weddings and they have always depressed me because I wanted that for myself. I guess "depressed" is not the right word, I was downright jealous of what they had and discontent with being single. Why there was such a rush on finding someone in my head, I will never know. I did not want to be the only one of my friends without someone. I felt lost without someone. If you know me at all you will know that my dating history would suggest that I don't like being single for very long before I find someone else to date. But I will tell you I have been single for officially a year and a half. It has been a long road. I joke around with friends about having a boyfriend or even poke fun at myself at how I can't get one, but I haven't ever felt like this before. I am HAPPY. I was at the wedding on Saturday, and yes there were cute guys there, but my focus was not to get a boyfriend, but just to have fun. I am excited about life as a single person. I am excited about where God will have me after college, and sure I am excited about getting married if that is what God has for me. But this is so different for me. I am not defined by man or my status of being single or dating or married. I am not defined by the job I have. I am not defined by the clothes I wear or the car I drive or any of that stuff. I am defined by God. I am defined by God's love for me. I am defined by THAT relationship alone. Jesus defines my worth not man. Praise the Lord for that. God has placed me where I am for a reason and with the friends I have for a reason and the lack of relationship for a reason. Jesus has become my first love this summer. He has captured my heart and set me free in his love. He has taken the shackles that I have worn for so many years and broken them once and for all. He has given me new life and a new optimism that I haven't ever known before. Hakuna Matata...I'm not worried because In God's love I trust.

Blessed beyond belief.

Like I said in my last blog, I am in PA for my friends wedding. My brother and sister (sister in law, Erika) live here. My sister was the maid of honor in the wedding. I got the privilege of being able to do all the bridal party stuff with the bridal party even though I was not part of it. We did alot of fun stuff and lost alot of sleep, but the wedding was beautiful. All the lack of sleep and hard work and fun was all worth it. There were a few unexpected things about coming to this wedding.

We went to Hershey park for a day, and rode some roller coasters, and saw how they make Hershey's chocolate. :) yum! they give you a small free sample. it was delicious! Anyways, the bridesmaids were so fun. I seriously felt like I had known them my whole life. They were so nice. The only person that I really knew was the bride and Erika. They all were so nice and I had so much fun.

Something that was interesting was the reaction of  all the bridesmaids when they asked me if  Erika and I had always been close and the answer was no. It was interesting. They were very surprised. I mean, if you could see me and Erika interact now, you would think we have always been close. This is simply not the case. In fact, I told them that I didn't like her when Robby brought her home for the first time or the second. But now, I couldn't imagine a better person to be in my family. She is like a sister to me. We got closer when her and Robby had to stay with us for a while. It was great. It was so good to see her and my brother both this time. Erika really is like the sister I never had. I love her. She has become one of my closest  friends. The time that I have spent with her over this past week since arriving in PA has been great. I am truly at a loss for words for how grateful I am that God placed her in my life and my family's lives.

God has been so good to me and my family. When I think about my life, it is nothing like I have ever planned. I wanted this and that and I seemed to not get the things that I wanted. But I got everything I could ever need plus more. God has given me great friends and a supportive family. He has blessed my life with not only 2 different sets of friends from different universities, but some of the best friends I could ever ask for along with my best friend from home.

I was talking with some people at my table yesterday at the wedding and one of them asked me what I was going to do after I graduate. My response was that I have no idea. I don't know where I am going to go, or what I am going to be doing, what job I will have, or anything like that. But God has something for me. He has never let me down even when I have been disobedient and angry. He has always been there to just love me and care for me and reprimand me when I needed it. He has taken me through so much of my life just by carrying me that I know that I have nothing to worry about. God has got my back. I just couldn't be more grateful for all of the things that I have gone through, the good and bad. Because if I didn't go through them, then I would not be the person I am today. I am nothing without Christ.

"Ruthless Trust"

So I have been up since 5 this morning. whew! that was early. I came to PA for the week/ weekend. I am here for my friend, Jo's Wedding. Which is cool because I get to come out to see my sister (Erika) and brother. Although I am not going to see so much of my brother, it's alright. It's good to just be here. I finished a book while waiting to board, "the Furious Longing of God," and when I got done I realized that we hadn't started boarding which was an issue because it was 10 mins after we were supposed to be boarding. So i got up and checked the gate. The gate changed. yikes! Thank God the gate that I was supposed to be at wasn't very far from where I was. Anyways after finally getting on the plane,  I slept some on the plane and made a new friend after getting off the plane and picking up my bag! :) I love making new friends. haha

So while I was on the plane, I started a new book, Ruthless Truth by Brennan Manning. So far it's really good. It is perfect for where I am in life. I have been faced with the prospect that I have no idea what life after college is going to look like. I am excited about starting "life" and nervous all at the same time. I was reading in the book today about how much God loves us. This is not some earth shattering statement at first glance, but when you think about it, how profound. It's funny because when I was reading today, the book talked about being saved. And when we choose to be saved their is two parts to it. One is the acknowledgement that Jesus is Lord and the second is a heart knowledge. The heart knowledge is that God loves you. All of you, just as you are. This strikes a cord in my heart. Like I have previously stated, I used to think that God didn't really love me. I used to be cynical, sarcastic (I still am, but wayyyy less then I used to be), and didn't really care for myself. And in the book he is talking about Trust in a merciful and forgiving God and he says, "Unbounded trust in the merciful love of a redeeming God deals a mortal blow to skepticism, cynicism, self- condemnation, and despair...." I had no trust in the Lord. God has changed me in alot of ways, but looking back I see my lack of trust. 

Even now, I can see it. Something that completely convicted me was a statement he made about praying for clarity. It's interesting because I think so often we, as Christians, pray for clarity. I have, in fact, prayed that for this summer. I have prayed that for my relationships with people, for a job when I graduate, for situations that have come up this summer. Hence the reason that the following statement would rattle my cage, so to speak, "Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love." Wow.....what more can I possibly say. Like truly, if I trusted the Lord like I should then I wouldn't need such a "clarity." Now I'm not here to say that you can't pray for clarity, but I think he has a point here. I mean, we want clarity and we want it now. (at least I do) And if I just trusted more I might not need so much clarity all the time. ya know? I hope that that makes sense. 

He breaks it down, he says in the book that if we truly trust that God loves us, then maybe we wouldn't have "issues" that come into our lives and eat us alive. The seeds of distrust are sown when something bad happens to us and we blame God. Guilty as charged. I have done that. I have no idea where I am going, but one thing today that I have decided is that I need to trust more about my future. 

Trust Trust Trust. that is all. 

"Abba, I am YOURS"

My mom and I went shopping yesterday. We met up with my grandma and cousin, Alison. They are all good people. I seriously love my extended family (on both sides that is). Anyways, we went shopping for a dress for me. I am going to my friend's wedding on Saturday and I am totally excited to be going out to PA. I got a cute little spring fun dress! I cannot wait to wear it! :D

I have many things that are uncertain in my life. Knowing that God, the same God of the Bible, the one that parted the red sea is in control of my life has brought so much comfort. The God that heals my life, the one that covers the scars in my heart with the scars on his hands brings me to a realization that is explainable. If anyone has ever heard the song "more beautiful you" by Johnny diaz. It almost perfectly describes my life. In one of the stanzas it says, "So turn around you're not too far// To back away be who you are // To change your path go another way // It's not too late you can be saved // If you feel depressed with past regrets //The shameful nights hope to forget // Can disappear they can all be washed away // By the one who's strong can right your wrongs // Can rid your fears dry all your tears // And change the way you look at this big world // He will take your dark distorted view // And with His light He will show you truth // And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl" 


God has washed away my shame and fears. He has changed my dark and distorted view of myself. He has brought such a freedom into my life this summer. A freedom that I couldn't have ever imagined having at the beginning of the summer. I am free. I feel like I could just dance that's how free I feel. Isaiah 55:8-9 talks about God's ways being higher than ours. The freedom I have found in these verses is the type of freedom that I have only heard about. Even when I got saved (at 6 or 7) I didn't understand this type of freedom. Which what 6 or 7 year old does, but even later in life, I didn't understand. Over the past years in college, I have experienced some serious bondage. I have wrapped myself in the bonds of hate and bitterness. But today, I am a changed woman. I can dance and sing and experience God's love for the broken. God has shown me such love and such a grace that brings tears to my eyes.  Even this summer, God has changed my life. I started this summer and had high expectations for everything. Each of these have been  torn down one by one, week after week. Slowly till I am left with my only expectation being God's ways are higher than mine. What I want and believe I need for my life, might not exactly be what I need. I am so glad that I don't have to worry about that for my life. 


I hope that all make sense. I really never know if it does or not. Yes, I read it back, but I know what i'm trying to say. I just hope it all makes sense. FREEDOM FOUND. 

A breath of fresh air

In my heart, I love writing.

Secretly, which is not so secret now, when I was little I would write and write. By that I mean, whenever I got into trouble or anything like that....instead of verbally saying I was sorry for whatever wrong I did to my parents. I would simply write them a note. I would stick it under the door or leave it on the table in front of them. Usually it ended with "I'm sorry and if you could ever forgive me check yes or no"....yes there was actually a place to check yes or no. :) It's okay, we all laugh about it now.

After expressing my dissatisfaction, to my friend Hope,with the what I was currently reading, she recommended I read a few books by Brennan Manning. I had never heard of him before I don't think. She recommended that I read "Ruthless Truth" and "Abba's child"....I looked them up online and stumbled upon another one by him. It's called "The furious longing of God".....I began to read the preview. So good. It is all about God's love. I believe that unconditional love yields trust. When someone loves you unconditionallly enough to send their own son to die for you, what else can you do but fall on your knees and trust the God of the universe. It's funny because as I was reading, I was like yeah this is good stuff....it's about the love of God.

To be honest with all of you there was a point in my life, when I believed, I was unlovable by God. It was a very low point in my life. I believed that God was a God who would give and take away, but it wasn't that, because I still believe that. It was that I thought he wanted to give me good just to take it away. It's a shame that I believed these lies. As I read a portion of the book, I could identify with the author. He talked about all the gods that he believed God was....for example, "The splenetic god of alternating moods, the prejudiced god partial to Catholics, the irritated god disgusted with believers, the warrior god of the 'just' war, the fickle god of casuistic morality, tut-tutting our little weakness, the pedantic god of the spiritually sophisticated..." at the end of the chapter there was a question, he asked the reader to add one. I added the unloving god of the sinner. Even as I type that the pain of those dark years in my life fills my eyes with tears. Fact of the matter is, is that I am a sinner at my very core. As Brennan Manning puts it, I am a walking contradiction. I, like the rest of the world has fallen, and needs the love of a savior to put love, forgiveness, passion, and meaning into my life every day.

I wish that I could say that I live with such a passion every day. I want to be so passionate about how God loves that it glows from my life. I want other people to see that my GOD is not the unloving god of the sinner, but that He is the loving God of the sinner.

Either way you toss the dice, my life has been changed again this summer. I am a sinner who is loved by Abba (Father) Praise God for that. Praise God that he is who he is. I could literary go on and on about who God is and how he has changed my life over the summer. It has been a rough summer, but God was with me every step of the way, even if he had to carry me when I was kicking and screaming.