In my heart, I love writing.
Secretly, which is not so secret now, when I was little I would write and write. By that I mean, whenever I got into trouble or anything like that....instead of verbally saying I was sorry for whatever wrong I did to my parents. I would simply write them a note. I would stick it under the door or leave it on the table in front of them. Usually it ended with "I'm sorry and if you could ever forgive me check yes or no"....yes there was actually a place to check yes or no. :) It's okay, we all laugh about it now.
After expressing my dissatisfaction, to my friend Hope,with the what I was currently reading, she recommended I read a few books by Brennan Manning. I had never heard of him before I don't think. She recommended that I read "Ruthless Truth" and "Abba's child"....I looked them up online and stumbled upon another one by him. It's called "The furious longing of God".....I began to read the preview. So good. It is all about God's love. I believe that unconditional love yields trust. When someone loves you unconditionallly enough to send their own son to die for you, what else can you do but fall on your knees and trust the God of the universe. It's funny because as I was reading, I was like yeah this is good stuff....it's about the love of God.
To be honest with all of you there was a point in my life, when I believed, I was unlovable by God. It was a very low point in my life. I believed that God was a God who would give and take away, but it wasn't that, because I still believe that. It was that I thought he wanted to give me good just to take it away. It's a shame that I believed these lies. As I read a portion of the book, I could identify with the author. He talked about all the gods that he believed God was....for example, "The splenetic god of alternating moods, the prejudiced god partial to Catholics, the irritated god disgusted with believers, the warrior god of the 'just' war, the fickle god of casuistic morality, tut-tutting our little weakness, the pedantic god of the spiritually sophisticated..." at the end of the chapter there was a question, he asked the reader to add one. I added the unloving god of the sinner. Even as I type that the pain of those dark years in my life fills my eyes with tears. Fact of the matter is, is that I am a sinner at my very core. As Brennan Manning puts it, I am a walking contradiction. I, like the rest of the world has fallen, and needs the love of a savior to put love, forgiveness, passion, and meaning into my life every day.
I wish that I could say that I live with such a passion every day. I want to be so passionate about how God loves that it glows from my life. I want other people to see that my GOD is not the unloving god of the sinner, but that He is the loving God of the sinner.
Either way you toss the dice, my life has been changed again this summer. I am a sinner who is loved by Abba (Father) Praise God for that. Praise God that he is who he is. I could literary go on and on about who God is and how he has changed my life over the summer. It has been a rough summer, but God was with me every step of the way, even if he had to carry me when I was kicking and screaming.
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